LAKE CONJOLA — In a desperate bid to preserve their sanity ahead of the Easter long weekend, residents of Lake Conjola have successfully “erased” the local boat ramp from the physical world. Using a combination of Kmart artificial foliage, three bags of mulch, and a very official-looking sign that reads “DANGER: Migratory Snail Mating Zone,”…
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SYDNEY — In a bold response to rising fuel costs, a local boater has introduced a “Flintstones-style propulsion system,” confirming he will now power his vessel by sticking his legs through the hull and running along the river bed. “It’s simple,” he explained. “No fuel, no worries. Just me, the river floor, and a strong…
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PORT HACKING — A local social gathering turned into a high-stakes investigation on Saturday when a “rogue” guest pulled out a bottle of SPF 50+ aerosol spray. Despite the captain’s three-hour briefing on “The No-Spray Zone,” the guest proceeded to depress the nozzle, creating a yellow-orange mist that drifted onto the pristine white upholstery like…
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BROKEN HILL — Local man Trevor ‘Salty’ Jenkins (58) has once again been spotted performing a full cut-and-polish on his 19-foot Haines Hunter, despite the nearest body of navigable water currently being a cracked clay pan with a median depth of “damp.” Witnesses say Trevor spent six hours applying premium marine-grade wax to the fiberglass,…
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MOSMAN — Tensions in Middle Harbour have reached a technological peak as a local finance executive declared war on a one-legged silver gull named ‘Stumpy.’ Following a series of “strategic strikes” on the pristine teak swim-platform of his 60-foot Riviera, the owner has installed a military-grade, motion-activated laser defense grid. “It’s about the principle,” the…
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SYDNEY — Tragic scenes unfolded near the Spit Bridge this morning when a local jet-skier, captivated by his own wake, accidentally drifted three centimeters into the “Banned Zone” of Sydney Harbour. Witnesses say the PWC hit an invisible bureaucratic barrier, let out a faint sound of a leaf-blower dying, and vanished. “He was doing donuts…
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MENINDEE — A local fisherman’s quest for a legendary “meter-plus” cod took a turn for the archaeological this week when his heavy-duty lure snagged on something remarkably solid in the shrinking weir pool. After a ten-minute struggle with what he assumed was a submerged log, he hauled in a mud-encrusted Nokia 3310. “I wiped the…
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COFFS HARBOUR — Local authorities are considering a commemorative plaque at the Dolans Bay boat ramp following a “miraculous” display of competence by 44-year-old Gary Henderson. Witnesses report that Henderson backed his 6-meter Quintrex into the water in a single, fluid motion—a feat previously thought to be mathematically impossible in New South Wales. “I’ve been…
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PITTWATER — In a surprising move that critics say is purely retaliatory, NSW Maritime has proposed a brand new regulation: The “PWC (Petty Wealth Compensation) Surcharge,” effectively a tax on all vessels under 15 feet caught “being comically successful.” The move comes just days after the Tinnie Kings incident. Under the proposed guidelines, any vessel…
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LAKE MACQUARIE — A groundbreaking sociological study has confirmed that the most dangerous phrase in the English language isn’t spoken in a war zone, but on a 12-foot tinnie during a botched docking attempt at Belmont. The phrase, “Just pull the rope, love,” typically uttered by a husband who has completely misjudged the current and…
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