PORT HACKING — A local social gathering turned into a high-stakes investigation on Saturday when a “rogue” guest pulled out a bottle of SPF 50+ aerosol spray. Despite the captain’s three-hour briefing on “The No-Spray Zone,” the guest proceeded to depress the nozzle, creating a yellow-orange mist that drifted onto the pristine white upholstery like…
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BROKEN HILL — Local man Trevor ‘Salty’ Jenkins (58) has once again been spotted performing a full cut-and-polish on his 19-foot Haines Hunter, despite the nearest body of navigable water currently being a cracked clay pan with a median depth of “damp.” Witnesses say Trevor spent six hours applying premium marine-grade wax to the fiberglass,…
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MOSMAN — Tensions in Middle Harbour have reached a technological peak as a local finance executive declared war on a one-legged silver gull named ‘Stumpy.’ Following a series of “strategic strikes” on the pristine teak swim-platform of his 60-foot Riviera, the owner has installed a military-grade, motion-activated laser defense grid. “It’s about the principle,” the…
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SYDNEY — Tragic scenes unfolded near the Spit Bridge this morning when a local jet-skier, captivated by his own wake, accidentally drifted three centimeters into the “Banned Zone” of Sydney Harbour. Witnesses say the PWC hit an invisible bureaucratic barrier, let out a faint sound of a leaf-blower dying, and vanished. “He was doing donuts…
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MENINDEE — A local fisherman’s quest for a legendary “meter-plus” cod took a turn for the archaeological this week when his heavy-duty lure snagged on something remarkably solid in the shrinking weir pool. After a ten-minute struggle with what he assumed was a submerged log, he hauled in a mud-encrusted Nokia 3310. “I wiped the…
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COFFS HARBOUR — Local authorities are considering a commemorative plaque at the Dolans Bay boat ramp following a “miraculous” display of competence by 44-year-old Gary Henderson. Witnesses report that Henderson backed his 6-meter Quintrex into the water in a single, fluid motion—a feat previously thought to be mathematically impossible in New South Wales. “I’ve been…
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PITTWATER — In a surprising move that critics say is purely retaliatory, NSW Maritime has proposed a brand new regulation: The “PWC (Petty Wealth Compensation) Surcharge,” effectively a tax on all vessels under 15 feet caught “being comically successful.” The move comes just days after the Tinnie Kings incident. Under the proposed guidelines, any vessel…
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LAKE MACQUARIE — A groundbreaking sociological study has confirmed that the most dangerous phrase in the English language isn’t spoken in a war zone, but on a 12-foot tinnie during a botched docking attempt at Belmont. The phrase, “Just pull the rope, love,” typically uttered by a husband who has completely misjudged the current and…
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SYDNEY HARBOUR — Professional jealousy reached a boiling point in the Rose Bay shipping channel this morning. Sources confirm that the owner of a triple-deck, Italian-made superyacht—complete with a helicopter pad and a crew of six—was seen “visibly vibrating with rage” as a teenager in a dented aluminium tinnie pulled a trophy-sized flathead over the…
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PORT HACKING — Following a review of the NSW Boating Safety Handbook, officials have announced that standard Level 50 PFDs are “simply not enough.” Starting next month, all solo paddlers must be encased in 14th-century gothic plate armour. “We want to ensure that if a Great White or a particularly curious bull shark decides to…
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