PORT HACKING — A local social gathering turned into a high-stakes investigation on Saturday when a “rogue” guest pulled out a bottle of SPF 50+ aerosol spray. Despite the captain’s three-hour briefing on “The No-Spray Zone,” the guest proceeded to depress the nozzle, creating a yellow-orange mist that drifted onto the pristine white upholstery like a radioactive cloud.

“It happened in slow motion,” said the boat owner, who is currently being treated for a mild nervous breakdown. “The wind caught it, and now my port-side lounge looks like it’s been tagged by a golden retriever with a spray-paint habit.”

The guest has been permanently banned from all future voyages and was reportedly forced to swim back to the Cronulla public wharf as a “decontamination measure.”

More to come.