CRONULLA — A local flathead enthusiast has entered his fourth day of “meteorological paralysis” as he waits for a consensus between WillyWeather, Seabreeze, BoM, and a particularly reliable arthritic knee belonging to his neighbor.

Dave “No-Show” Thompson reportedly had his boat hitched to his Hilux since Tuesday, but remains stationary due to a “deeply concerning” 2-knot discrepancy between two reputable websites. “Willy says it’s 5 knots from the SE, but Seabreeze is hinting at a ‘Gentle Caress’ from the West,” Dave shouted through his screen door. “I’m not a gambler. If the swell is 0.6m instead of 0.5m, the whole ecosystem of the Hacking is basically The Perfect Storm.”

At time of publishing, Dave was seen refreshing his iPad every 45 seconds, hoping for a sign from the heavens, or at least a push notification that it’s “glassy out.”

More to come.