MOSMAN — Tensions in Middle Harbour have reached a technological peak as a local finance executive declared war on a one-legged silver gull named ‘Stumpy.’ Following a series of “strategic strikes” on the pristine teak swim-platform of his 60-foot Riviera, the owner has installed a military-grade, motion-activated laser defense grid.

“It’s about the principle,” the owner explained while wearing polarized tactical sunglasses. “I pay $2,000 a month in mooring fees. I shouldn’t have to share my vessel with a creature that eats discarded hot chips for a living. The lasers are set to ‘mildly annoying,’ but I’m considering upgrading to ‘localized heat-seeking’ by the weekend.”

Witnesses confirm that Stumpy the Seagull has already adapted, now using the laser beams as a disco-style light show to attract potential mates, while deliberately timing his “deliveries” to coincide with the owner’s Saturday morning brunch.

More to come.