SYDNEY — Tragic scenes unfolded near the Spit Bridge this morning when a local jet-skier, captivated by his own wake, accidentally drifted three centimeters into the “Banned Zone” of Sydney Harbour. Witnesses say the PWC hit an invisible bureaucratic barrier, let out a faint sound of a leaf-blower dying, and vanished.

“He was doing donuts in Middle Harbour, minding his own business and everyone else’s,” said a nearby yacht owner. “Then he crossed the line. There was a bright flash and he was gone.” NSW Maritime has since mailed a $500 fine to his next of kin.

NSW Maritime confirmed that the “Anti-PWC Forcefield” is functioning at 100% capacity. “We can’t have the aesthetic of the Harbour ruined by people having fast-paced fun,” said a spokesperson. “The Harbour is for slow-moving, expensive existential crises only.”

More to come.