PORT HACKING — Following a review of the NSW Boating Safety Handbook, officials have announced that standard Level 50 PFDs are “simply not enough.” Starting next month, all solo paddlers must be encased in 14th-century gothic plate armour.

“We want to ensure that if a Great White or a particularly curious bull shark decides to offer a ‘spontaneous hug,’ our kayakers are prepared,” said safety consultant Miles Caution. “The armour must be rust-resistant and include a visored helmet engraved with the owner’s boat licence number for easy identification by underwater archaeologists.”

While some critics argue that 30 kilograms of steel might impact a kayak’s buoyancy, the department remained firm. “Buoyancy is a secondary concern to compliance,” Caution explained. “If you sink to the bottom, you are technically safe from being hit by a jet ski. That’s a win for the statistics.”

The department is also reportedly looking into “Mandatory Chainmail” for stand-up paddleboarders, provided it doesn’t clash with their polarized sunglasses.

More to come.